The Style Invitational Week 876 Oilies but Goodies
By The Empress
Saturday, July 3, 2010; C02
To the tune of "Under the
Sea," sung by a shrimp:
They say there'll be no fish slaughter,
that they'll make my home pristine.
But how can they clean the water when
they can't keep their restrooms clean?
-- from the Capitol Steps' "Under
BP," by Richard Paul
This week: Write lyrics
somehow related to the oil spill, set to an existing tune. We almost always
print more songs on washingtonpost.com than we have room for in the print
paper; on the Web, we can include a link to the melody, but the ones we publish
in the Style section have to be set to very well known tunes.
Winner gets the Inker, the
Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a very neat roll of packing
tape that is clear except for the continuous column of human vertebrae running
down the middle. And this is . . . This Is Spinal Tape. Donated by Loser Jeff
Contompasis, who once gave us a device that turned a hot dog into an octopus.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug.
Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser
Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener"
(Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your
entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is
Monday, July 12. Put "Week 876" in the subject line of your e-mail,
or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone
number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and
originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries
may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published July 31. No purchase
required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate
relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be
disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Craig Dykstra;
this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis.
Report from Week 872, in which you were asked to combine the beginnings of someone's first
and last names to create a new, pertinent term: Numerous Losers came up with
"Algo: The former veep's last words to Tipper," "Jelo: One who
jiggles in the right places" (Jennifer Lopez) and "Sico: Someone who
derives a perverse satisfaction in humiliating others" (Simon Cowell).
The winner of the Inker
TiWo: that new technology
that allows you to replay your life without embarrassing moments (Tiger Woods).
(Cliff Kellogg, a First Offender)
2. the dress custom-made from
two Loser T-shirts: Marvosa: A disorder in which someone continually describes
himself as a genius despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary (Marilyn Vos
Savant). (Dion Black, Washington)
3. Jacam: A new moviemaking
device that does away with the need for actors (James Cameron). (John O'Byrne,
Dublin)
4.Charkra: An esoteric
concept of rightness in some Eastern sects, considered a key on the path to
true smugness (Charles Krauthammer). (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
Deeper Cleavage: Honorable Mentions
Adrif: where many politicians
find themselves after their political honeymoon ends (Adrian Fenty). (Cliff
Kellogg)
Levistra: A brand
of high-rise jeans (Levi Strauss). (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
Helth: A state of outliving
your common sense (Helen Thomas). (Ward Kay, Vienna)
CaCl: Smelling salts (Cassius
Clay). (Alba Frias, Silver Spring, a First Offender)
Rumur: What counts as news on
Fox News (Rupert Murdoch). (Lois Douthitt, Arlington)
Scowel: A jaded individual
who doesn't like much of anything (Simon Cowell). (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.)
Drec: The lowest form of
comedy (Drew Carey). (Jacki Moonves, North Hollywood, Calif.)
Nadcoma: A painful balance beam
injury (Nadia Comaneci). (Randy Lee, Burke)
Ala-mo: Something that was
once deemed important, but now seems mostly forgettable (Alanis Morrisette).
(Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.)
Vlaput: What you'll be if you
irritate the Russian government enough. "After writing about Chechen
separatists, the journalists mysteriously went vlaput" (Vladimir Putin).
(Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.)
Barmani: The not-so-chic
suits worn by tacky piano players. (Barry Manilow) (Ron Jackson, Chevy Chase)
Riminix: Pest company
specializing in leaving bugs (Richard Milhous Nixon). (Dave Komornik, Danville,
Va.)
Geospat: A territorial
squabble among generals who are all supposedly on the same side (George S.
Patton). (Brendan Beary)
Hevi: Loaded down with wives
(Henry VIII). (Christopher Jones, Vienna)
Rongo: The opposite of the
right place at the right time (Ron Goldman). (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village;
Randy Lee)
Wammo: A stroke of genius
(Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart). (Tom Witte)
BP-Otter: Peter Rabbit's very
sick friend (Beatrix Potter). (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore)
Joeb: Someone the White House
suffers (Joe Biden). (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Jen-lope: Distinctive walk of
the ample-bootied (Jennifer Lopez). (Craig Dykstra, Centreville)
Rosper: To be rich but
unelectable (Ross Perot). (Jim Reagan, Herndon)
Mahmah: The grating cry of
the Iranian cuckoo (Mahmoud Ahmadinejad). (Judith Cottrill, New York)
Dollpart: A body feature that
is disproportionately sized, e.g. Barbie's chest (Dolly Parton). (Craig
Dykstra)
Charma: A dangerous man with
an inexplicable charisma (Charles Manson). (Doug Frank)
Dorp: A girl who needs
glasses (Dorothy Parker). (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.)
Bao: To accept praise
graciously for something you haven't accomplished but hope to someday (Barack
Obama). (Steve Glomb, Alexandria)
Emur: A bird that used to fly
spectacularly high but now tends to just lay eggs (Eddie Murphy). (Dion Black)
Neging: Acting as the Party
of No (Newt Gingrich). (Ken Gallant, Conway, Ark.)
J-La: Someone with a really
nice butt, especially for someone who's 95 years old (Jack LaLanne). (Tom
Witte, Montgomery Village)
Christ-hit: A diatribe
against religion (Christopher Hitchens). (Mae Scanlan, Washington)
Lobob: A style of cut that
involves removal of the head (Lorena Bobbitt). (Mark Barbour, Fairfax, a First
Offender)
Merrilly: How Wall Street
spends bailout money (Merrill Lynch). (Russell Beland, Fairfax)
Johmon: A food item made with
slices of bread and some kind of filling inside (John Montagu, fourth Earl of
Sandwich). (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)
And last:
Rubel: The approximate worth of several hundred Loser magnets on the black
market (Russell Beland). (Laurie Brink)
Next Week: Back to Square 1A, or Boxing Match